Like a sieve, only not so much

I had that ABG draw this morning, as scheduled, to determine if recent dizziness is caused by my ventilator settings or something else. That went well. An RT I'm acquainted with did it cautiously but easily and with very minimal pain. It had to be done by her in the local hospital rather than the adjoining clinic because, well, I don't know. Fear of arteries, I guess. But it was good to see her (except for the "aww, look at poor you on the vent" part) and tell her I've felt very healthy and appropriately-oxygenated or whatever since I got the hole in my neck and all.

For reasons possibly due to Gimp Compound breakdowns in communication, I also had an appointment for a regular blood draw to examine my levels of potassium, magnesium, and other yummy -esiums that were dangerously low a year ago. They were checked six weeks ago and I've been choking down lots of bananas and potatoes and other starchy colorless joys since then because those levels were only borderline acceptable. If French fries qualified as hot and greasy little mediums for the -esiums, this dietary addendum would be more fun. If I ever did get a thrill from a banana, that joy was killed last year when I was eating two each day for months to get the potassium up.

The ABG was what I really thought I needed, but I went along with this extra blood draw because, well, when six people are involved with arranging your clinic visit and you wish to live in harmony amongst them, what's a little poke with a needle. And maybe I could ease off on the bananas if all went especially well, right?

Things looked worrisome when the clinic receptionist said, "Hmm, this appointment was for yesterday. Have a seat in the central waiting room and we'll see what we can do." See what I mean about harmony at the Gimp Compound? Which of us screwed that up? Shhh, never mind.

I didn't wait long to see the Woman-Masquerading-as-a-Phlebotomist. I spent that time listening to the sick dull ache of my right inside wrist. Those nerves around arteries know how to discourage activity in their territory. I knew it wouldn't last too long, but it's a uniquely-flavored pain. I once had an RT take an ABG without me feeling the stick at all, which shouldn't be physically possible, but I enjoy contemplating the perversity and competence of that moment from time to time.

When called upon in the clinic waiting room, I did everything I could for the WMAAP. I told her past successes in springing healthy leaks in me usually involved the "butterfly needle," tiny enough to match my little veins. I sent her confidence vibes. I sat calmly while she dug around in the crook of my left elbow, the edge of my left wrist, and had a friend dig around the top of my right hand.

Then she pronounced me too dehydrated to bleed and told me to go away and come again another day.

No, really.

In the many hundreds of blood draws I've had in 38 years -- including some very unpleasant situations when I was actually sick and dehydrated -- individuals have sweated, apologized and passed the needle off to colleagues, but no one has ever told me it was not possible to make me bleed.

"You have no available blood today. Sorry. Go home."

Actually, since I had gotten the ABG I believed was important, and we had reached the limits of my commitment to family harmony, I was prepared to tell them to back away with their needles anyway. But still.

The pain from the ABG has abated almost entirely now and there's just the most minute sensation in the nerves to remind me that anything happened there at all. The other needle holes in my hands and arms hurt and are bruised blue. I did get results of my ABG and though I haven't yet talked to my primary, apparently the numbers look good.

I wish I'd had the chance to see my doctor's face when all this occurred with the WMAAP. She sometimes surprises me with hilarious breaks from her stoic, thoughtful professionalism, and I'd like to have seen which way it would go today. And who she would have found to get the job done, because she would have found someone or elected herself.

In the meantime, more bananas.