Hey Old Guy Wearing that Ridiculous Hat with the Pom-Pom on Top,Every day lately, you move those Bird Feeders around under the eaves. We see you. It won't help. It doesn't matter if the Giant Squirrel, er, Finch Feeder is under this eave or that eave, we will get to it. And we find the Giant "Squirrel Deterring" Cones sort of fun. They don't help you either. Now that we have taken to climbing the walls of your House, it is only a matter of time before we figure out how to get the Leverage to jump from where we hang by our back feet at the top of the windows to Any Feeder, Any Time We Choose. Then you will have to constantly threaten us with the use of The Shotgun. We don't believe you about that. That would be Illegal in city limits and we know this as well as you do. Illegal. Hah hah.
Yes, we gave up on the Giant Platform In The Sky Feeder after you sawed away the last oak branch we could leap from. Yes, it was very clever to put a platform for the Birds on a 30-foot pole in the middle of the yard. Yes, we know you conspired with Your Brother to weld a big metal barrier so we couldn't climb the post. (Our Brethren to the West are after him too, by the way.) Do you think We don't have family connections? We have bribed The Pileated to visit you just often enough that you keep the Suet Feeder full at all times in case he might drop by. Those Mourning Doves that have begun to roost in the tree all day? They belong to us. They drop seeds to us from the Giant Platform. And if you start any more trouble, they will just start Pooping up a storm, right there in the tree over your deck. Hah hah. Our deck.It's true, the Peanut Feeder drives us to distraction. We can smell the Peanuts from our perches on the other feeders, eating seeds til we're Fat and Happy. We smell those Peanuts in our dreams. And we will have them. We will leap any boundary. We will chew through whatever you put them in. Meanwhile, the Nuthatches fear us and drop bits for us to eat. That's why they hang upside down, you know. To keep an eye on us because we will find them and Hurt them if they don't share the Nuts. The same should go for you. Shame on you for trying to keep Nuts from Squirrels. That's wrong.
Our latest plan is to turn the Cat against you. Your Cat. Hah hah. What do you think we say to her when we are nose to nose at the window? Why do you think she comes running to us when we tap at the window? She is under our Control. Watch yourself. Our influence is in your house, sleeping on your bed by your Feet. It is only a matter of time.We will Defeat you,
Da Squirrels
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Visual description of photos: There are three of typical Midwestern squirrels. The first is simply looking straight at the camera from a thin tree branch, tail up, challenging. The second is just a squirrel's face to the camera, but he is wearing a tinfoil beanie -- to keep out the mindrays, you know. The third is a photoshopped pic where the squirrel appears to be wearing a zippered squirrel suit with a Superman suit on underneath, visible through the open zipper. All were found online: 1) http://www.mdwfp.com/Level1/wildlife.asp?subject=Squirrel 2) http://tijil.org/SCO/source/afdbtest.squirrel.html 3)http://www.allfantasyart.com/photomsupersquirrel.shtml
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